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2:44 a.m. - 2025-02-13
umami

I went through an internet cooking-show phase during the pandemic.

Not to be mistaken for a “cooking" phase mind you, I wasn't making any of the recipes. Nope...just killing time; responding on some base, instinctive level to images of food I'd never taste. It was this recognition (coupled with the genre's predictable "story" structure) that led me to conclude: cooking shows are essentially pornographic.

As is most media representing (hence commodifying) our animal instincts. A boxing match for example...or a six hour video of a fireplace burning on your television. Things that our reptile-brains are drawn to and appreciate vicariously. Jacqués Pepin isn't going to serve me coc au vin any more than Traci Lords is going to give me a blowjob, but it seems I'm happy to watch either. And the parallels w/cooking and “smut” vids are compounded by narrative necessity—step, step, step, result. I could list the corollary tropes from each genre, but you get the point (and I'm worried my breadth of knowledge on-topic might strike some as a bit “much”).

Since the Youtube algorithm still proffers-up the occasional cooking-show, I clicked on one yesterday and was reminded of a specific trope from the format's tired-but-true catalog. A production convention born of necessity, I'm sure...because the real challenge w/cooking-shows is in conveying the climax. After everything has been sauteed and grilled; when the cakes are iced and the crèmes brûlée-d...what now for the payoff? Wherein lies that “cum-on-my-tits” moment of narrative resolution? Well...nine times from ten it's just the cook tasting their own product. Trying to say convincingly, in a way that feigns objectivity while projecting an air of artisinal gravitas, “mmm dang, this is yummy”.

Perhaps because it's such a pointless and obvious time-filler, my fave approach to this is when the chef brings all the players back for a curtain call. Reciting the same list of ingredients introduced at the top of the episode, but instead of their respective weights and measures, we learn now about their character:

“You get that smokey/umami flavor from the ham, and the tangy punch of the pickles...the honey adds a touch of sweetness and the potato chip sprinkles bring a bit of salty crunch.”

Super-helpful info for people who've never tried a pickle before. Or forgot what ham tastes like.

 

 

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