test pattern, will amend





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04.17.21


Wrote you this note. You don't have to read it of course...though it's addressed to you and is constructed as an address to you. I think sometimes in awkward missives like this that it's the author who, in lieu of any give-and-take conversation, writes with the hope of finding their own clarity. (And who then hopes said clarity helps, somehow.)
If you're surprised that I would be worried and baffled by your sudden disappearance and subsequent radio silence, then I guess I did a shit job of conveying my feelings towards you? It's happened... And if you thought that, by not explaining your change of circumstance and the subsequent, unilateral dissolution of our brief-but-sincere (I thought?) connection, you were somehow sparing me disappointment or sparing us confrontation, then I did a shit job of introducing myself as who I am today. There are a few advantages to age/experience btw: I can perceive myself though another's lens, I can accept the inevitable w/grace and perspective, and I can dump out the bathwater while the baby wails safely on the sofa. This wasn't always the case.
I have, of course, speculated on what the hell might have happened...it's human nature! (My fave theory is that: shortly after we got off the phone last Tuesday, after discussing your intention to spend the afternoon on the river, you eloped with a handsome young kayak rental agent and you're paddling together now...earnestly and passionately towards a brighter future.) But you know it doesn't matter, whatever the circumstance, right? I mean...did I ever make you feel like our friendship was contingent on anything? Over the course of a few weeks? I was just getting to know you (name redacted). Christ.





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