1:03 a.m. - 2002-12-21
reviews
Brief reviews of popular Christmas songs:
1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Does the concept of an Orwellian Santa-State, where an omniscient toy-giver "sees you when your sleeping" make anyone else paranoid?
2. We Wish You A Merry Christmas: Insufferably manic choruses like this give caroling a bad name...so might the fact that, after this song's protagonists drop the pretense of caroling they've used to gain access to the victim's domicile, their true intentions (as home-invasion robbers hellbent on figgy-pudding) are revealed. When they begin to chant "We won't leave until we get some..." shit gets dark.
3. Jingle Bells Rock: No. They don't.
4. Fa La La La La, La La La La (or whatever the fuck it's called): I donned my gayest piece of apparel (a shiny, extra-tight, Calvin Klein T-shirt with the sleeves cut just a hair above hetero), listened, and this song still sucked.
5. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Um, I guess the Santa myth wasn't surreal enough already...
Brief review of Lord of the Rings part II, The Two Towers: More sweaty, shoulder-length, hair than a Def Leppard concert.
But I gotta say, the whole premiere thing with the red carpet and the zillion fucking flashbulbs and people from Access Hollywood yelling your name (ok, ok, yelling the name of the actress who hooked your girlfriend up with the tickets), pretty crazy shit. I try to stay pretty much unaffected by that celebrity stuff, 'cause you can't be star-struck AND a hateful reverse-elitist, but when I walked into the Cinerama and saw all the free popcorn and cokes lined up on big table there; I wanted a piece of that action (I did the rough math, man. There was easily eight hundred dollars worth of popcorn, street value, just laid out there for the taking). I felt like Eddie Murphy in that old skit where he goes undercover as a white guy and like, everything's free...
