10:03 a.m. - 2006-06-23
recipes
The situation was desperate. A deftly seasoned rib-eye lay upon the counter; in a nearby pan a touch of olive oil widened in anticipation. I paced the kitchen floor beyond, opening and closing pantry doors in the hope that some hitherto-overlooked option might present itself and dispel my panic -- I was without a "starch" you see. My cousin's cupboards had failed to yield my hoped-for rice pilaf; and an alternative had yet to present itself. No conchiglie or farfalle lurked in the musty depths beyond canned tuna and plastic wrap. Was I damned to pilot a meal without the grainy anchor of a hearty landbrot or a pain complet? In the refrigerator, a wilted sprig of rosemary mirrored the state of my soul; the round red potatoes it longed to compliment were nowhere to be seen. Nor were there russets, nay, nor even frozen tater tots for christ's sake (what the hell was wrong with these people, leaving for Spain and stranding me with no starches?). I affixed my steak with a bitter gaze of longing, feeling a bit like that expectant youth who, upon arrival at the prom, realizes that his beautiful date has no legs...and that his long-anticipated night of dancing has become an inelegant proposition, at best.
One last cabinet check and a blue plastic flash of package catches my eye. What is this?Top Ramen? Humble acquaintance of my impoverished, art-student, days? Are we to be reunited here? It made a certain sense, actually -- my cousin and his wife are both career academics, and their residence (despite its expense, size and location) reflects their humble, studious, dorm-room aesthetic. Twelve years of elective poverty on the way to professorhood had apparently stamped their palates with a nostalgia-driven taste for the stuff.
For those who've never suffered economic trials enough to seek Top Ramen's salty recourse (or who live in a land where juicy beetles, surplus shoe-leather, and other, tastier, bargain-food options exist), it's a dry brick of Asian-style noodles, sold with a "flavor packet" of bouillon-dust. A staple amongst students, immigrants, and welfare mothers, its primary recommendations are thrift (cheaper, at 35 cents a package, than comparably-flavored cardboard) and extra-thrift (I've seen 'em sold six for a dollar!). Of negligible nutritive value, Top Ramen is the gastronomic equivalent of the dead man's float -- extending one's ability to endure until all hope of rescue has been abandoned. Given that evening's dearth of starch-options, however, I was willing to give it a go.
I uncorked a Sicilian Shiraz (desperate times indeed!) and pondered the issue of presentation, settling finally with the rib-eye arrayed athwart a tangled field of Top Ramen. A garnish of kim-chee added a necessary, floral, burst of color. Resigned to an evening of culinary compromise, I set knife and fork to work...and was pleasantly surprised! Rib-eye steak, it seemed, was the secret ingredient to good Top Ramen! With newfound gusto I finished my meal, polished off that ghastly Shiraz, and considered the opportune timing of this chance revelation. Ramen days, you see, may soon be here again.
This circumstance is primarily the result of a recent expansion rather than a decline in my business affairs; but nonetheless, the exorbitant rent of my new workshop, coupled with the exorbitant auto-insurance demands levied by a system unsympathetic to blood-alcohol percentage issues specific to the bon-vivant, have conspired to make thrift my new mandate. Given my sweet ramen reunion though, and with the benefit of my subsequent research into its versatile gourmet applications, I anticipate weathering this dollar-drought in fine style. It is to those fellow travelers of life's rockier trails that I offer-up the fruit of said research: three of my favorite new Top Ramen recipes. Whether you're a struggling young scholastic or an experimentally-inclined musician who can't seem to get approved for a credit card, whether you're a kindly granddad whose pension was squandered by his executive superiors, or a political visionary who's spent the last bit of his humble inheritance on manifesto copies down at the Kinko's, suppertime shouldn't be suffer-time! Enjoy these recipes, and I'll see you in the Ramen aisle!
L'ouatine D'or (Golden Fleece)
4 packages Top Ramen
1 pound white truffles, packed in oil
saffron
marzipan ram's skull
Same boring ramen again for dinner? Argo-NOT! Just empty the contents of the foil "flavor packets" that came with the Top Ramen into the nearest convenient waste receptacle and re-use to dispense an equal measure of saffron. Cook according to directions on the package. Toss with white truffles.
Garnish with marzipan ram's skull.
Oiseaux Chanteurs De L'orient (Songbirds of the Orient)
4 packages Top Ramen
1 can stewed tomatoes
1 (3 oz.) pkg. lemon flavored gelatin
3/4 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. diced green pepper
1 c. diced celery
1 med. onion, diced
2 lbs. Sculptor's wax
4 lbs. Plaster-of-paris
plum sauce
sesame seeds
Pre-sculpt 6-to-8 wax songbirds in various lifelike poses (note: I always prepare this one with Banded Wrens; but Larks, Nuthatches and even Thrushes can be substituted if preferred). Use plaster to create negative-relief casts of each figure. Boil tomatoes; add gelatin straight from package. Stir and cool. Do not boil gelatin. Add mayonnaise, pepper, onion and celery. Pour into plaster molds. Refrigerate until firm. Using a corded drill or screw-gun equipped w/an 1 3/8" hole-saw, center a single perforation on each brick of ramen . Deep fry the resultant "nests". Drizzle nests with plum sauce and sprinkle liberally with sesame seeds. Array aspic songbirds in interactive poses on and around nests (note: birds have interesting lives, reflect this in your display! depending on the tone of the occasion, this can present an opportunity to get dramatic!). Real quail eggs make a fun garnish for this dish.
Intestins Parfum's De La Mer (Fragrant Intestines Of The Sea)
4 packages Top Ramen
1 Maine Lobster, live, 5+ lbs.
1 lb. asparagus
1 bay leaf
1 tsp. turmeric
2 pinches sea salt
Boil lobster until autonomous motion and other obvious brain functions desist. Remove from pot, open cephalothorax with a ventral incision and stuff lobster with remaining ingredients. Place lobster in pre-heated oven for 1 hour. Remove contents and discard bay leaf and asparagus. Discard also the lobster, whose flavor will have suffused the now-tender ramen, commingling sublimely with a hint of asparagus. Add fresh-ground pepper to taste.
