12:02 p.m. - 2001-05-06
wakey pops
ErnstCo New Product Catalog, summer 2001:
Product one- "Suck Dog". Take the salty, nitrate-laden, effluence from any place where hot dogs are boiled en masse (i.e. Dodger Stadium, midtown Manhattan, Indiana State Fair) and bottle it in shiny puncture 'n suck "Capri-Sun" style foil packs. Sell in assorted popular flavors, like mustard, ketchup, and chili-cheese. All it takes is imagination and shiny packaging (and endorsement by Nickelodeon wouldn't hurt either) to turn a watery by-product into a fun snack for kids on the go.
Product two- "Wakey Pops". Is it just me, or are there no caffeinated breakfast cereals on the market? I mean, milk (AKA "snooze juice") ain't gonna do it alone kiddies. I invented this one down at the lab this morning w/equal parts cocoa krispies and instant coffee (left over from camping last week). Now I can like, see through walls and shit.
Product three- "Pay-To-Leave Public Toilet". Operates like a regular pay toilet, only after you pay your quarter to get in, the door locks behind you. Attend to your business, deposit fifty cents in the surprise interior coin-slot, and you're on your way. What? Does that strike you as unfair? Then go ahead and rot for free in a sweltering shithole, cheapskate.
Product four- "Dr. Ernst's Olde Time Heartbreak Poultice". Basically works like a regular handgun, administered orally.
